Working Relationally
Relational therapy begins with a simple idea: wounding happens in relationship and healing happens in relationship. Not only from rewriting the stories we tell ourselves about our lives, but in the immediate, unfolding encounter between two people in the room. It’s a way of working that pays attention to the ‘felt sense’ of connection - how we meet one another, how we miss one another, and what becomes possible when we manage to stay in that process.
Many of us learn early on to manage alone. We become skilled at self-containment, self-reliance, and self-silencing. Thinking relationally recognises that these strategies were once necessary, even lifesaving, but they can also leave us feeling cut off from accessing the warmth, support and ease that others can offer.
In a relational frame, the therapeutic relationship becomes a place where old patterns of relating can be seen, softened, and slowly rewritten. Not through understanding or analysing alone, although that is part of it, but mainly through a new experience of being met.
Working relationally isn’t a set of techniques, more a way of being with another person. Some of the core elements include:
Attunement - the therapist pays close attention to the emotional texture of the session, such as tone, pacing, shifts in energy, moments of tightening or softening, coming towards or retreating. Attunement is not about ‘getting it right’ all the time, more about staying present, noticing and being responsive.
Mutual influence - unlike some models that position the therapist as a neutral expert, working relationally acknowledges that both people shape the encounter. The therapist’s subjectivity - thoughts, feelings, history, matter not as a distraction but as part of the relational field. This doesn't mean we reveal personal information, rather that we might consider sharing our emotional responses when they might be helpful.
Exploring patterns in real time - Old relational patterns show up in the therapy room, such as withdrawing, pleasing, bracing, anticipating criticism. Instead of pathologising these responses we treat them as meaningful signals. Together, therapist and client explore what’s happening between them with curiosity rather than judgement.
Repair - All relationships involve misattunement. In therapy we see these moments not as failures, but as opportunities. When something feels off - an interruption, a moment of distance, a misunderstanding - the work is to gently name it and find our way back. Successful repair deepens relational safety.
Co-creating new possibilities - Over time, the therapeutic relationship becomes a place where new relational experiences can be tried, such as asking for what you need, feeling held in vulnerability, expressing anger safely, or allowing someone to stay close without being overcome by shame.